I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
is wine microwaveable?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
