There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
It was confusing and full of hummus
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
