the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
