You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's rum buckets o'clock
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm having to shit out rocks
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