u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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