i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
