She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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