dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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