i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize