my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
