I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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