After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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