It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
