he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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