You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize