I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
