eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
