guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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