Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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