I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I intend to get homeless drunk
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
