remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
