Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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