I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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