Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
