its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
