Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
