yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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