hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
