Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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