He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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