Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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