i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
