I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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