I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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