I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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