I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
