My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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