so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize