I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
