She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
