the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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