I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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