it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
