My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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