EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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