Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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