Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize