he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
