Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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