I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
