Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
