got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
