highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
