Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize