Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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